last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
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We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
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Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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