i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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