I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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