Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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