walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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