Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
