i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
