I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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