hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
