If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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