Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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