I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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