he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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