it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
where are you?
Hypothermia
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
