you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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