Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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