u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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