I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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