I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
