If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
