if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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