I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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