I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
