Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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