Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
