Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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