Just fell off a train. Bad.
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
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Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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