This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
