I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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