My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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