Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
