it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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