never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.