When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
