She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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