Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
