I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
