please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
