hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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