By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
