Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
