We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i think i have two assholes
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
