You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
That accounts for only three of the penises
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
