apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
