i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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