Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
