The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
