im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
