I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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