it wasn't lemon gatorade
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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