there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
