He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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