I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
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Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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