using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
