The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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