You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
