evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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