I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize