why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Randomize
