I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
