My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Randomize
