I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
