then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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